Good Dog – Making Your Home Look Like You Don’t Have a Dog

Having a loving, non-judgmental best friend is its own reward. No, we’re not talking about your spouse. No one has that much luck. We’re sticking with the one that walks on four legs, has a tail and pants. Although, in some cases our better half will play a little frisky with you, but non-judgmental? Only a mutt will fit that bill.

The big issue is if you have more than one dog, they basically let you borrow parts of your home as long as you feed and walk them. Occasionally, once-in-a-while, your pet will let you use the remote because they’ve already seen the show on the “Animal Planet” channel.

Taking Back Your Property

As a human, you have possessions. So do your canines. You call them “their toys” but the squeaking, rubbery objects and balls have a tendency to rest right where your buddy got tired of dealing with them. They are the only property they have. Try to take something from their mouth if they’re not ready to give it up. See? Ownership has its privileges and a growl denotes ownership.

Then, boredom sets in and they start seeking another one of the things they own to slobber all over.

Some are in such sad shape, even the garbage men won’t come near ‘em with a 10-foot trash truck. The stuffing has been pulled out or little shards of plastic have been scattered in the exact spot you’ll step on in your bare feet in the middle of the night as you stumble in darkness for a glass of OJ in the fridge.

You tell yourself you can fix the thing so that it becomes a functional unit again. And with a good washing that pull toy – err, property – will be as good as new. Like that ever happens.

While your better half is taking the brood for a nice long walk, grab a bag and start scooping-up every conceivable piece of puppy possessions. The dysfunctional ones need to be separated from the toys that are dreadfully broken. If you honestly think you’re going to fix a couple of them, take those repairable playthings and put them in the somewhere out-of-sight, out-of-smell range. Then write yourself a honeydo list and slap it in an area where you’ll be harassed by its message daily.

Take about three of the half-dozen that aren’t in such repugnant condition, putting them in a place where the animal will be forced to pull out a treasure map to find them. Hide the other three completely. In a couple of weeks, do the old switcheroo. Really, does the mutt need 50 pieces of property hanging around in plain sight?

If you have some that aren’t in terrible condition, stick them in the washer with a little bleach to clean them up. Then go to your local animal shelter and donate the toys so the poor unfortunate ones who are waiting for a good home will have something to pass the time.

Hairy Couch

No, that’s not the name of some clown in a Canadian traveling circus. It’s where you and your pup enjoy watching wildlife tv shows. Lots of people won’t allow their dog on the sofa or their bed. But guess what, genius – when you’re at work they don’t care. They’re going to take the best seat in the house. A good solution, other than wasting your time trying to teach them to “jump down” is to come to an understanding that this is reality. Here’s where an old blanket or a big pillow comes in handy.

When they hop-up, steer them in the direction of their special spot. It’s so much easier than letting them have the run of the furniture. Nice thing about it, you can toss it in the washer once a week to keep it springtime-fresh.

The davenport is already hairy? Those disinfecting tissues that you can get to clean-up kitchen spills are great to wipe down furniture. Check label directions, but they won’t damage 99% of fabric or leather sofas and chairs. As for the bed, sorry Buster, you’re going to have to change your sheets more than once a month.

Tumbleweeds on the Carpet

It’s tricky, but you can do it without clogging your vacuum cleaner. Purchase a shop broom with stiff bristles and sweep the rug before you plug in the matter-sucker. Two things happen. You get nearly all the hair from the rug and you save yourself from having to buy a new vacuum unit every few months.

What’s that smell?

When you were still a young hippie, you probably had a black light – you know, like the one they use on CSI. Get one. At night, turn off the lights and shine the ultraviolet beam on your carpet and furniture. This will help you identify the stains. One-by-one, get something like the non-toxic and biodegradable Get Serious cleaner!

There are also products called Pet Stain and Pheromone Extractor that work in a jiffy. Don’t have a carpet; try using a solution called Little Germs Organics. It smells great. Grapefruit, mint and lavender.

Just accept the fact that if you want to have a dog hotel in your home, you’re going to have to put-up with things – like the errant hair in your spaghetti. But for endless love, a little hair is a good protein supplement.

Just don’t eat too much. We don’t want you coughing-up hairballs.

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